The Tale of Barnabas Alfritz - Chapter 1

Once there lived an old praying mantis by the name of Barnabas Alfritz, all alone in a small, quaint house by the edge of the forest. Every day, old Barnabas would take his cane, throw on his coat, place his top hat on his head at a semi-jaunty angle (he didn't want it to be too jaunty, you see) and go for his daily walk in the forest. One day, as he was out on one such walk, he was encountered suddenly by Buck the Grasshopper.

"Well well well," said Buck, with a sneer, "if it isn't old Barnabas Alfritz, out for his daily walk."

"Ah, my dear young Buck," replied Barnabas, casually leaning on his cane. "You look especially sour this morning. What did you do, bite a bad lemon?"

Bucky growled. "Cut the cute talk, old man, and get out of my way."

"I'm sorry, I do believe you are a bit confused," correct Barnabas. "The way I see it, you are in my way. You see, I happen to use this particular path almost every day, therefore making my being the 'norm', as they say, whilst you on the other hand, traverse this area very rarely, making your presence the abnormality, thence causing you to be in my way, and not the other way around." Barnabas grinned.

Bucky snarled. Alfritz always managed to infuriate him. And now he was finally fed up. He shoved Barnabas.

Incredible slow, that shove, seemed to Barnabas. He lazily stepped aside and allowed Buck to go diving into the dirt. This infuriated Buck even more. With a howl, the Grasshopper sprang to his feet, drew his rapier, and aimed a powerful stroke at Barnabas's head. The forest rang with the clash of steel. Buck blinked. Did that cane just transform into rapier?

Barnabas grinned. "Of course, an uneducated brute of a grasshopper as yourself wouldn't be familiar with the term 'Sword-cane' now would he?"

Bucky growled again and attacked the mantis, stroke after thrust after jab, and each move Barnabas either block, dodged, or parried, as if he were merely doing his morning exercises (which, in a way, he was, for he had forgotten to do the usual calisthenics he did every morning). When the two swordsbugs broke from each other, Buck was sweating profusely , and panting like a dog. He looked at Barnabas. Surely the old mantis would drop any second now...

Barnabas Alfritz stood in a perfect fencing pose, his hat entirely undisturbed from its perch on his brow, not a single bead of sweat visible on his face, and that same casual grin on is lips. Buck was thoroughly dismayed. He mustered up the energy for one last lung and...

With a lazy flick of the wrist, Barnabas disarmed the already defeated grasshopper and grabbed him by the throat. The grin was no longer there. Bringing Buck's face threateningly close to his own, Barnabas declared,

"I am ashamed it has taken me this long to fully realize this forest's need of your absence. You and all your Bully Bugs. Effective immediately, I am putting an end to you and your kind's terrorization of the Innocent Insects of these woods."

And with that, he thrust the shaking grasshopper from him and returned home.

He did not use his cane.